‘Style’ is a great name for something with style, but a bad name for ...
Style Conversational Week 1140: The Empress ruminates all over this
week’s Invitational
By Pat Myers
Pat Myers
Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003
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September 10, 2015
When Future Hall of Famer if He Doesn’t Screw Up Jeff Contompasis
suggested we redo the good-name/bad-name contest, I answered, “You think
we can just do it one more time, unmodified?” That was because I had it
in my tattered little mind that we’d done this contest several times.
But no — I just loved the Week 547 results so much, back in 2004, that I
felt that they must be a recurring bit of Invitana.
So I was thrilled that I could bring back this contest 11 years later
for Week 1140 , without fear of running out of
material — after all, the pool of product names (and really, just about
any other proper noun) is virtually infinite, and of course lots of them
didn’t exist back in 2004.
Still, you do want to avoid the jokes from the Week 547 results, even
the ones grouped in the introduction as too frequent. (You can still use
some of the /names /as long as your joke is substantially different.)
*Report from Week 547, * in which we asked for things that an existing
brand name would be bad for: The Empress received 462 e-mails [wow!!!
that is a LOT] for this contest, many of which contained dozens of
entries each [there was no 25-entry limit back then], and almost all of
which contained an entry suggesting that Microsoft would be a bad name
for an erectile-dysfunction drug. Other entries too common to reward:
Cheerios for a funeral home, Next Day Blinds for a laser eye surgery
center, and Redskins for a football team. The category of laxatives
really got you going, so to speak; the litany of bad names included
Outback, Grey Poupon, Jiffy Lube, Chunky, Pump & Spray, Big Brownie
Blast, Quicken and, but of course, IBM.
/Fourth runner-up:/ Rolling Rock is a good name for a beer but a bad
name for an insurance company. (Jim Lyons, Arlington)
/Third runner-up:/ The Chrysler Building is a good name for a skyscraper
but a bad name for an SUV. (John Conti, Norfolk, Mass.)
/Second runner-up:/ Antabuse is a good name for an alcoholism drug but a
bad name for a magnifying glass. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)
/First runner-up, the winner of the cuddly stuffed Athlete’s Foot and
Ulcer toys:/ Wachovia is a good name for a bank but a bad name for a
cemetery. (Michael Cisneros, Centreville)
/And the winner of the Inker: /Virgin Airways is okay as a name for an
airline but not for a cigarette. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
Honorable Mentions:
BP is a good name for a gas company but a bad name for a honey company.
(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
Renuzit is a good name for a room deodorizer but a bad name for an acne
treatment. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
Nine Inch Nails is a good name for a rock group but a bad name for a
proctology clinic. (J. F. Martin, Naples, Fla.)
Hi-C is a good name for a fruit drink but a bad name for a tutoring
service. (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles)
Open Pit is a good name for a barbecue sauce but a bad name for a toilet
bowl cleaner. (Ann Martin, Annapolis) [her first ink; we didn’t start
noting that for several more years]
Wawa is a good name for a convenience store but a bad name for an
antidepressant. (Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.)
Iran is a good name for an Islamic republic but a bad name for an
infantry platoon. (Ted Einstein, Silver Spring)
Newman’s Own is a good name for Paul Newman’s brand of condiments, but
it would not be a good name for his brand of condoms. (Russell Beland)
IHOP is a good name for a pancake shop but a bad name for a prosthetics
company. (Larry Blue, Potomac; Tom Matthews, Fairfax Station; Jeff
Brechlin, Potomac Falls)
Ashburn is a good name for a town but a bad name for hemorrhoid
ointment. (Karen Tierney, Ashburn)
3-in-One is a good name for a household oil but a bad name for a
religion. (Mike Genz, La Plata)
Domino’s is a good name for a pizza place but a bad name for a
construction company. (Tiffany Getz, Manassas; Tom Witte, Montgomery
Village)
Nordic Track is a good name for exercise equipment but a bad name for an
affirmative action program. (Larry Phillips, Falls Church; Russell Beland)
Target is a good name for a retail store in America but a bad name for a
retail store in Iraq. (Jeff Martin, Gaithersburg)
Chick-fil-A is a good name for a fast-food outlet but not for O.J.
Simpson’s next business venture. (Tom Witte)
The Tinder Box is a good name for a tobacco shop but a bad name for an
apartment building. (Dean Evangelista, Silver Spring)
Twinkies, HoHos and Ding Dongs are all good names for snack cakes, but
not for WNBA teams. (Blythe Marshall, Annandale, and Russell Beland [her
stepfather])
Taco Bell is a good name for a Mexican restaurant but a bad name for a
Mexican phone company. (Dave Ferry, Purvis, Miss.; Dudley Thompson,
Raleigh, N.C.)
Snickers is a good name for a candy bar but a bad name for a support
group. (Briana Payne, Annapolis)
First Impressions is a good name for a dating service but not a bungee
jumping center. (Russell Beland)
Ayds used to be a good name for a diet candy . . . (Paul Styrene, Olney)
Kaboom is a good name for a stain remover but a bad name for a
high-fiber cereal. (Kelly Wilson, Milwaukee)
The Library of Congress is probably too subtle to be a good name for an
adult bookstore. (Russell Beland)
First Union is a good name for a bank but a bad name for a Boy Scout
camp. (Michael Fribush, Burtonsville)
Rent-A-Wreck is a good name for a used-car rental company but a bad name
for an escort service. (Marleen May, Rockville)
Boeing is a good name for an airplane company but not for a mattress
company. (Peter Metrinko, Plymouth, Minn.)
The Foot Locker is a good name for a sports shoe store but a bad name
for quick-drying cement. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)
Wanamaker is a good name for a department store but a bad name for a
dating service. (Susan Thompson, Raleigh, N.C.)
Excalibur is a good name for a security company but a bad name for a
tampon. (Jeff Brechlin)
Just Do It is a good slogan for Nike but a bad slogan for a suicide
relief center. (Jeff Keenan, Severn)
Miracle Whip is a good name for a salad dressing, a bad name for Mel
Gibson to use formovie tie-in
toy
merchandising. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon; Elden Carnahan)
Ram Cargo Van is a good name for a vehicle but a bad name for a driving
school. (Jeff Brechlin)
The Swimsuit Issue might be a good name for a week of Sports
Illustrated, but it probably won’t work for Hustler. (Russell Beland)
Air France is a good name for an airline but a bad name for a deodorant.
(Danny Bravman, Potomac)
Sizzler is a good name for a steakhouse but a bad name for a rectal
thermometer. (Roy Ashley, Washington)
Stove Top Stuffing is a good name for stuffing that you cook on the
stove, but not for a book on how to get the romance back in your
marriage. (Russell Beland)
Kleenex may be a good name for a tissue, but it’s an excellent name for
a divorce law firm. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria)
---
I expect to be making LOTS of Style Invitational Ink of the Day
posters four weeks from now.
*WE’RE UP TO THE JEEZ: THE GA- LIMERICKS OF WEEK 1136*
Judging limericks isn’t really too bad a thing to do while on vacation
(my son got married in Italy, forcing me to spend eight days on
sun-soaked beaches, visiting historic treasures, ingesting untold
thousands of calories a day — none of which, I assure you, came from
Kraft boxes). My 129-page printout of some 1,000 five-liners, along with
an AC outlet between the airplane seats, let me pass the time in the
plane when I wasn’t going to be able to sleep anyway (as well as when
the Wi-fi decided not to work in our hotel room).
The “ga-” parameters allowed for plenty of words and names, including
some that were new to me, including “gamboge” (a yellow resin used as a
pigment) and “gamahuche” (oral sex). The Style Invitational: So
educational we ought to get federal funding.
Alas, as in every limerick contest, lots of people didn’t check out (or
get the message of)“Get Your ’Rick Rolling,”
the Invite’s guide; or the many helpful resources at OEDILF.com
, the Omnificent English Dictionary in Limerick
Form, the inspiration for and, I hope, the beneficiary of each year’s
Limerixicon. And so there were numerous examples of Not a Rhyme and Not
in Limerick Meter.
I never checked who wrote any of the following Not a Rhymes:
Keillor/failure/sailor; superfluous/garrulous/frivolous;
strolling/gamboling; gastronomy/colostomy; bully/sully; gamy/grainy;
Gaga/Prima; Butchie/Gucci; gadflies/applies; fantastic/gastric;
gambler/yammerer; covet/none of it; Brobdingnagian/galleon;
patronize/galvanize. But they did move the judging process along. (If
you don’t get why the previous are Not a Rhymes: It’s the last ACCENTED
syllables of the two words that need to rhyme; and any unaccented
syllables after them have to be identical. So gas-TRON-omy doesn’t rhyme
with col-OST-omy, because TRON doesn’t rhyme with OST. su-PER-fluous
doesn’t rhyme with GAR-rulous. GAD-flies doesn’t rhyme with ap-PLIES.)
The Not a Rhymes shouldn’t be confused with limericks in which a word is
pronounced differently in different locales — usually because of
different vowel sounds, and sometimes in accents. For example, as a
native Philadelphian, I don’t rhyme “pollen” with “befallen”; I say
“PAH-lin” and “be-FAW-lin.” But certainly many people do, especially in
the South. And I had no problem picking up Kirk Miller’s nifty “a
pollen” pun.
And, as in every limerick contest, there were many entries that didn’t
have (or convey to a first-time reader) the “hickory-dickory-dock/
dickory-dock” rhythm that is essential to a limerick. Sometimes, the
writer clearly didn’t know the rules: “Elmer Fudd, a hunter of dubious
repute/ Desired to shoot a long-eared galoot.” “I could only take to
gawking/ When I saw you out there walking.” “There once was a gambler/
Who was an avid rambler.”
But more often, a Bad Meter happened because the writer heard the
correct rhythm in his own head, because he was accenting the words in
his line differently from how a reader would. This is why I beg and beg
y’all to have someone else read the limerick out loud, so you can see if
the person comes up with the hickory-dickory-dock. This writer didn’t do
this with these opening lines: “When music’s what I want to hear/ With
no MP3 player near.” If he’d asked a friend, the person would surely
have read: “When MU-sic’s WHAT i WANT to HEAR.” The writer, however, was
thinking: “When MU-sic’s what /I/ want to HEAR...” (And no, you can’t
just put the “I” in italics, unless the emphasis is relevant to the text
of the poem.)
Sometimes a line /might/ be read in limerick meter, but not necessarily.
Take this Line 3: “He must think we’re stupid.” You /could/ read it “He
MUST think we’re STUpid,” but you could easily (and probably) say “HE
must THINK we’re STUpid.” The best solution in cases like this is to use
a phrase that will be accented only one way, like: “He knows that we’re
stupid”; since you’ll never accent “THAT,” the reader intuitively will
emphasize “KNOWS.” I’ve found that the master limerick writers are
especially good at finding words whose accents are unambiguous. (Also,
you have a little more leeway in Lines 4 and 5, because the reader has
already read previous lines in the same rhythm and is more apt to shift
the accents himself.)
Another thing I really value in limericks is natural syntax: light verse
shouldn’t be a chore to read. It’s a great skill to write limericks
whose word order is just as you’d talk in conversation (unless weird
syntax is part of the joke, of course). I think today’s inking entries
all have excellent syntax. Not so much for, say, “Definitions do not
constant stay/ From their meanings words oft go astray.”
Almost never going astray — Invite-quality-wise — are this week’s top
winners, all of them hugely successful in the Invite, with great sloshes
of ink among them, including limerick and other verse contests. One
thing, though: Among them, only first runner-up Robert Schechter was an
experienced light-verse poet before starting to enter the Invitational;
he found us after hearing about us from the poetry group Eratosphere
(and then, bless his heart, recruiting such future Invite stars as Frank
Osen, Brian Allgar and Melissa Balmain). Kevin Dopart, Craig Dykstra and
Nan Reiner are just very smart, very funny people who took up the
challenge of expressing their wit in yet one more form — and mastered it.
Meanwhile, we welcome several First Offenders this week, including what
might be our first Loser from Belgium. They’ll be getting their FirStink
for
their first ink, and I hope to follow it up soon with a real prize for
their next loss (or even an Inkin’ Memorial win).
So what was that limerick with the new-to-me word “gamahuche”? It was a
very good one by the clearly British Bob Turvey, who charmingly rhymes
“Clinton” and “intern”
I would like to define “gamahuche”:
It’s a sort of quite intimate touch.
When President Clinton
Did it with an intern;
He said it was not sex “as such.”
(I’d have replaced “DID it” with “ca-ROUSED.)
Happy New Year to all — catch you in 5776!
Oh, by the way: I could judge limericks on vacation, but I couldn’t mail
people their prizes. Please bear with me as you await your swag from
Week 1135 , in which you were asked to be
impatient. Those who got ink in the second go-round of the Week 1133
clerihew contest should have their magnets/ FirStinks now or shortly; if
you got ink both times, you don’t get squat for Part 2.